Transition and Transformation

An update to
our precious community

January 29, 2023, 5:31pm

At the exact moment that this letter reached your inbox, I took my first breath, 43 years ago. In this letter you will read about first breaths, that are being breathed into business, projects and a new life that rests ahead of us each and every day.

Today I write, first person from the singular I, sharing some big news regarding the cycle of death and (re)birth. Though Michael and I continue to share this journey together and what is outlined in the following text impacts us both, I write with my lone voice, the reason you will soon see unfold. This update my be choppy, lacking effective transition and flow, but stay with me, I am certain it will lead you to an exciting announcement that you do not want to miss.

In Parkersburg West Virginia, on January 29, 1980 at 8:31pm this Aquarius sun, Virgo rising, cancer moon, Adventurer/Epicure Type 7 on the enneagram and Human Design Generator was birthed. I come from the great woman that carried me, Debra Oblinger-Haddix, maternal and paternal grandmothers Lavonne Alvene Britton-Oblinger, Joyce Vivian Kucera-Vales,  and a long line of other courageous, energetic humans that have been deeply committed to co-creating a life of living! It feels important to name those whose shoulders I stand on as I write to announce dramatic shifts and huge changes that are taking place in my life. Especially when the gift that they have given me is a life of purpose and the purpose to live life authentically. 

It seems fitting that the weeks leading up to this day I have been significantly impacted by 100% voicelessness and a brutal cough. Western medicine makes sense of this by saying that I have been infected by Respiratory Syncytial Virus. However, it is apparent, to me that spirit and psyche are speaking. Instead of meaning making through infection it is clear that I am being offered the opportunity to navigate a relentless purge and accept the invitation to enter a space of deep listening. I am being guided by and through the embodied experience of transformation. 

My intention here is not to center myself, writing about my birth or life or death but instead to provide context that illuminates what we mean when speaking about divine timing. When I reflect back on my life and how it has lead to the last 7 years, the year of 2022 and the months closing out this trip around the sun I am in awe of how each and every event, encounter, breath and step on this journey has been perfectly placed and lead me moment-by-moment to the perfect place. 

It has been, yet again, a big year! We transitioned from van life to a bigger rig, leaving the great home base of Tacoma. Oso, AKA Whiddle Bear, Babaji, Bob, Gigi, the joy-bringer, continues to light our lives as our little pack of three continues to grow ever deeper in love. I became an Auntie, had another major hip surgery and am finding myself grounding as a Depth Psychology Scholar and Depth Practitioner. Michael embarked on new, unique healing experiences, transitioned from a great job with a PT company and impacted the lives of many with his profoundly healing touch. We spent the fall managing 4 beautiful properties in a National Forest in Silver Springs Florida and are enjoying a delightful winter with my fun-loving mother and her husband in the sunny citrus state. 

3 years ago COVID invited me, like many of you, to slow down, significantly, take some time to go inward and really reflect on my work in the world. During this time we offered few ceremonies, classes, and retreats. Though I have a deep connection to the sacred plant medicine, cacao and my healing work/offerings, the energy that once moved through me, and propelled me into action was absent. I waited patiently, listening and trusting that when the time was right that energy would start to move again as would my enthusiasm to get back, “out there”. 

However patience, deep listening and trust has instead lead me to connect with, touch and embrace an unavoidable sense of misalignment.  It has become abundantly clear that my work, right now is not to be done “out there” and that the work of Kan’s Nest, through me, is at its end. Recognizing and honoring the honesty offered in living authentically I see clearly that I no longer have the energy or enthusiasm to carry out this work. The gifts, skills and offerings that I have to share with the world are different now and this deep knowing has allowed me to embrace the bittersweet decision to close our business. Thought this work is no longer authentically aligned with my purpose, there are others, that are in alignment with and have much energy and enthusiasm for offering these healing practices, ceremony and ceremonial cacao, out there.

A few months ago I began preparing some of our long-time, regular clients for this possibility and after some time we were approached, with interest in carrying on this work. Jen Breyer, a powerful Nurse Practitioner with a certificate in Holistic Nursing and Reiki Master and her pattern Tanner, an incredible healer have been growing a relationship with this gentle plant medicine for years and it seemed/s right for them to carry on where we are stepping away. Here we face the precious reminder of divine timing and the tangible experience of death and (re)birth. After months in prayer, practice, conversation, listening and surrender, it became clear that the energy and momentum that had been built within this powerful community needed to continue. 

With reverence for this sacred, gentle plant medicine, trust in divine timing and a commitment to living in integrity I am delighted to announce that;

We have sold the business!  

We are thrilled to know that Jen and Tanner will be continuing to offer ceremonial cacao and other healing practices through their wellness center, Metamorphic Vitality. Though you will see a different name, you will still have access to the same healing medicine with additional offerings and an expanded business model. These two, without a doubt have the energy, enthusiasm, commitment, experience, skill and presence to honor plant medicine, our teachers, and this incredible community by guiding others to live with open hearts. We are endlessly grateful that Jen and Tanner are now breathing new life into something that has been such an integral part of our life for the last 7 years!

As I navigate this personal death I face questions about my own path, what it means to live authentically and in my integrity. I have spent much time wrestling with the “shoulds” and all messages of “too-much-ness” and “not-enough-ness” that have lurked in the shadows. I continue intimately engaging with psyche through dream tending, synchronicities, numinous experiences, and uncanny moments that lead me to assurance that this is the “right” decision.  As I let Kan’s Nest and my work in the world die in the way I once knew it/them, I am birthing a new world. This year I am breathing new life, in new places and new ways. To support this some other big decisions have been made.

1. The 53 high desert acres that we have been stewarding in the foothills of the North Cascade Mountains, will be listed on February 1. This magical healing space is now open to be cared for and stewarded by others allowing us to experience undivided energy and focus on the next project we are breathing life into.

2. We have taken the first steps in building on 5th generation family farmland in Long Bottom, OH. We will be returning “home” to tend to and nurture the 38 healing acres that were given to us by my father, down 3 generations before him! To be back on the river that I spent the long summer days of my youth catching crawdads with my cousins, on the same country dirt road that we walked countless miles with our Meme, collecting gooseberries in endless song and resting our bodies on the same vast field that we helped Gram make pie iron pizzas over an open fire, looking up at the same blue skies that carried the planes that we flew with Gramp, brings me an unexplainable sense of peace.

3. This year I am taking a break from focusing on the happenings “out there” and instead am offering myself time and space to fully commit to the exploration “in here.” This year my focus is on my research and writing and the wild, intense, incredible journey of begin fully committed to earning a PhD.

As I enter 2023 and my 44th journey around the sun I am eager to see what emerges from the year that is all about RECEPTIVITY. I am stepping back and taking this time to access the deeps in a new way. Input, listen, benevolence, receive, pleasure, learning, pause, and patience, are the words that seem to serve as a thematic guide for the journey I am now embarking on. So, in closing, I breath, with you. In and out. Life and death. Creation and destruction. Action and stillness. Inhale. Exhale. Being alone, together, we are birthing a new world.

Please stay connected

There is much percolating inside of me. I feel the geyser underneath the surface and though I do not know what or when it/I will emerge I am certain it will be beautiful, powerful and in alignment with the highest good. Whether the emergence will come from my academic work exploring the archetypal energy of the indigestible daughter, the support of transitioning from a system to domination to a system of partnership or a relationship with earth, community and spirit that is built through sacred hospitality, plants, prayer and practice, my/our greatest offerings are yet to come. Please stay connected and continue this journey with us. Though I am not active I am accessible on instagram @_desertair_ and via email at desertair@me.com

With endless gratitude and love…in trust and surrender…

May your heart always be open.

~Michelle Lavonne Kucera-Jewell

How do I confront the colonial violence and ecological degradation that is inherent in mainstream knowledge forms?

With humility, caution, and excitement I have decided that it is time to share that I have been offered (and accepted) the invitation/call/challenge to work to earn a Ph.D! In asking myself the above mentioned question, it never felt that the obvious answer was to earn a doctorate! However, it feels aligned with my truth. It feels aligned with my being. It feels aligned with my path. So…. here goes!

"Recognition becomes the process by which I become other than what I was and, therefore, also, the process by which I cease to be able to return to what I was. There is, then, a constitutive loss in the process of recognition, a transformation that does not bring all that once was forward with it, one that forecloses upon the past in an irreversible way...The only way to know myself is precisely through the mediation that takes place outside of me, exterior to me, in a convention or a norm that I did not make, in which I cannot discern myself as author or an agent in its making” (Butler, 2001, p. 23).

A powerful journey with trauma and triumph, darkness and light, contraction and expansion, grief and joy, and tears and laughter, has guided me into silence and uproar, stillness and movement, hiding and exposure, denial and acceptance and from invisibility to recognizability. As I have ventured from the conscious to the unconscious my identity has been questioned, not only by those around me but also by my self. I have spent countless hours contemplating the teachings of Judith Butler and the impact that her theory has and may have on the psyche. She explains that, "the Other is recognized and confers recognition through a set of norms that govern recognizability” (2001, p. 22). As we consider the relationship between other and self we see that "I" does not exist without you. Ones identity is, without exemption, informed by others identification. The process of recognition is transformative because there is a new way of knowing self when others have a new way of recognizing you. This recognition is informed by the boundaries of normative discourses. 

Over the past five years I have undergone a profound transformation and have moved from knowing myself one way, to knowing myself in a new way. As Butler asserts, I have lost something, a part of myself that I cannot return to. However, in shedding parts of myself that are no longer serving me and taking on a new identity, much has been gained. Through divorce, international relocation, coming out to my conservative Rural Appalachian family and transitioning from a role in corporate leadership to the role of “healer,” (an identity whose label I have much resistance to), it has become abundantly clear that the foundational part of my existence is to allow myself to fully be seen while holding space for others to be seen. To navigate the uncharted waters of my identity and live in radical honesty and radical vulnerability. It is the wholehearted commitment to walking with my Self and my fellow travelers on my/their healing journeys that has led me to apply to earn a Ph.D. Depth Psychology with a focus on Integrative Therapy and Healing Practices.

In connecting with synchronicities, archetypes, the oracle, the shadow-self, the dream world as well as familial, ancestral, educational, religious and cultural impressions, I have accessed the unconscious, from which, comes a deep, conscious knowing. I have personally discovered and supported others as they discover, the truth that, when we quiet the loud voices of the dominating consumeristic, capitalist, patriarchy we can hear the quiet voices and recognize that the psyche is speaking to us. In allowing the spirit/soul/Self to speak I have been led to therapeutic and healing practices such as body & energy work, sound healing, ancient and indigenous earth based medicine/wisdom, and sensory deprivation. After years of study and the continued deepening of my own practice I have been afforded the opportunity to support others in experiencing profundity in holistic healing.

Though I have countless pieces of anecdotal evidence to support the argument that the above mentioned practices are incredibly beneficial, I have a deep desire to continue research that will prove the efficacy of these healing practices and elevate their visibility and utilization within the western world and modern medical practices. At this time in the evolution of humanity, the planet, and the universe, this work is critical, because the “alternative” approach not only has a positive impact on the human psyche, it also impacts entire communities, the globe and the collective.

Though I did not (or perhaps because I did not) make the convention and norms of the dominate discourse of medicine and healing, I feel empowered to be a part of asserting my agency to support individual, community and collective transformation that values and prioritizes embodied ways of healing and knowing. This drive will enable me to be a part of transitioning away from a model that views mind, body, and spirit, as a bundle of disparate parts. It will help me follow in the footsteps of so many brilliant minds in the co-creation of a model(s) that recognizes and honors (inter)connectedness, interdependence and wholeness. Completing this program will allow me to live my dharma and settle into an identity that feels most authentic and integrious while simultaneously playing my part in normalizing the above mentioned therapeutic/healing practices so that they become recognizable, valued and elevated within (or perhaps even above) the current hegemonic discourse of Psychology. 

Why Pacifica?

"The key to dismantling such a system [educational institutions] is to develop alternative models of knowledge production that challenges the interconnected dualisms and hierarchies (mind/body, male/female, white/other), and that recognize the body's capacity to know. The body is not just another thing or object to be controlled and studied" (Wilcox, 2009, p. 106).

For years I have navigated my desire to deepen my study and expand my research by pursuing a PhD while feeling a repulsion towards the academic industrial complex. Though I had a profound and positive experience at the University of Washington while completing my Masters in Cultural Studies, I witnessed problematic navel-gazing and obsessive attempts to prove superior intelligence and wokeness. 

Hiu Wilcox, skillfully articulates the tension I feel and have felt around my continued experience within academia. We share the belief that an epistemological shift must occur so that students are supported and encouraged to prioritize and honor their lived experiences which inform the knowledge that is produced.

Wilcox recognizes that, "it is in and through our bodies that we experience the world and develop consciousness" (2009, p.106). She challenges dominant patriarchal and Eurocentric structures and knowledge production that do not acknowledge and prioritize embodied ways of knowing. She asserts that the academy must be challenged for privileging knowledge that is produced from the mind over knowledge that is produced from the body. My trepidation exists because hierarchal structures of power are maintained by educators, (even those who identify as feminist) through pedagogical approaches that result in a disconnect between mind and body. I confront the reality that if faculty do not prioritize embodied knowledge, the academy, like society will continue to damage peoples relationships to their bodies. 

It is clear to me that Pacifica Graduate Institute is a place within academia that will ensure that I, as well as my fellow students, decolonize Psychology and prioritize embodied knowledge. I trust that this institution will provide space to actively work to end bodily violence and instead, heal our relationships with our bodies, heal our communities and the collective. I am confident that I/we will be supported and encouraged to prioritize and honor our lived experiences as well as the mind/body/spirit connection. I trust that I/we will have access to the tools, resources and faculty that will not only help deepen and expand our knowledge but more importantly provide a container to integrate and implement that knowledge, and transmute it into wisdom. I have longed for an academic experience within an institution and with faculty that recognize the body’s capacity to know and now, in finding Pacifica, that longing has been fulfilled.

In closing I must acknowledge and express deep gratitude for the work, teachings and inspiration of Helene Cixous, Gay Becker, Dwight Conquergood, Hiu Wilcox, Luce Irigaray, Judith Butler, Audre Lorde, Conkolene Michael Gray, Kari Lerum, Dan Berger, Christine Caldwell, Hala Khouri, Nischala Joy Devi, Gabor Mate, CJ Ananda Page and Izaias S. Mendoza, along with the numerous other indigenous wisdom keepers around the world that I have had the privilege and honor to learn from and/or work with. This is by no means an exhaustive list but highlights those whose shoulders I stand on and for whom without, this journey would be impossible.

Butler, J. (2001) Giving an account of oneself. Project Muse, 31(4): 22-40

Wilcox, H. (2009). Embodied ways of knowing, pedagogies, and social justice: Inclusive science and 

beyond. National Women’s Studies Association Journal, 21(2): 104-120.

What are you carrying?

As I was standing in the center of the square taking photos of the entryway to spring festival, I was struck by the timeliness of the man hauling his wagon who was crossing paths with the girl flying her kite. I did not pull out my phone to take their picture, they simply walked into the frame. It was as if they were posing, inviting me to ask the question, “what are you carrying?” 

I stood there watching him, the elderly man, who appeared to have the weight of his years in addition to the weight of his wagon being hauled by his slender and aging body. I wondered, what was he thinking? How was he feeling? What was his experience like working on one of the few days in the year that most people have off? Where was his family? At what point did he take that coat off and tie it to his wagon? Did he notice the young girl flying her kite? What memories did he have of flying a kite as a kid on New Year’s Day? I wonder, what is he carrying?

I stood there watching the young girl flying her kite on a day people typically expect to be full of fun and celebration. I wondered what was she thinking? How was she feeling? What was causing her to have no semblance of joy or happiness on her face? Was this her first time flying a kite? What were her struggles and triumphs in getting the kite to take flight? What were her holiday traditions? Did she notice the old man hauling his wagon? What considerations did she have about working as an aging woman on New Year’s Day? I wonder, what is she carrying?

Then, as the man hauling his wagon and the girl flying her kite disappeared from sight, I zoom into the crowd, looking at person after person. I notice that everyone is facing forward. Everyone is looking ahead. Everyone is looking into the gateway of 2016. Everyone is looking into the future. Everyone, except a man wearing his lucky red sweater, standing still, alone, in the middle of the square looking pensively, down at the ground. I wonder, what is he thinking? How is he feeling? Why is he not looking forward? What is he looking back on? What is in his future that he is afraid of? What is in his past that he is holding on to? Did he notice the man hauling his wagon? The girl flying her kite? I wonder, what is he carrying?

I stood there, considering each persons story. Reflecting on how each path intersects, the timeliness of each encounter and the impermanence of those fleeting moments. I wonder, did they notice me? Did they wonder? What was I thinking? How was I feeling? How was it being here from out-of-town, experiencing China for the new year celebration? Where was my family? What were holiday’s like in my home country? Why was I standing so far away, hesitant to walk through the gateway into 2016? What was I waiting for? Did I notice them? What am I carrying?

_____________________________________________________________________________

As we come upon celebration of the Lunar New Year of 2021, I re-read and reflect on my experience of Spring Festival while living in Guangzhou, China. The questions that I pondered while looking at the people, in the square, whom were looking ahead, into 2016 seem so relevant and timely now. As I sit here I consider;

the elderly man with the wagon

the little girl with the kite

the man standing alone, wearing the lucky red sweater and the pensive look

…and I wonder,

What are they thinking? What are they feeling? Are they standing at the gateway of 2021? Weight of the wagon and the world on his back? Kite flying high from her hand? His eyes gazing down at the ground? What are they carrying?

…and… I consider myself, pandemic socially distanced , recovering from a major operation…

Am I still standing afar, hesitant to step through the gateway of 2021? Am eager to confidently move ahead? What am I waiting for? What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What am I carrying?

The Morning Show

The rising sun emerging.

From ancient Maya volcanos towering above sacred Lake Atitlan.

From whale filled ocean waves of Maui.

From infinite rolling sand dunes of White Sands National Monument.

From red rock fins, arches and pinnacles of Moab.

From the wise Q’ero whispers of the Sacred Valley Apus.

From rising sulfur steam of Travertine Hot Springs.

From the Mexico valleys and rushing Colorado snow melt of the Rio Grande River.

And now.

From the tree filled window panes of “home” in Tacoma.

This is my morning show.

After 383 sunrises from the High Andes of Peru, the graffitied streets of Bogata, the aqua marine waters of Montego Bay, to the peaks and valleys of the Appalachian Mountains, the gator filled bayou, and the crisp baptism of Lake Superior, I settle in to wake day after day to the drizzle of the evergreen state.

This transition is more than I prepared myself for. From 90 square feet of “van life” to 4,500 square feet of historic home, “Inn Keeper Life,” I spend this morning pondering Cheryl Strays quote;

“Stop asking yourself what you want, what you desire, what interests you.

Ask yourself instead:

What has been given to me?

Ask:

What do I have to give back?

Then give it!”

I weep with gratitude recognizing the infinite gifts I have been given. A journey that has afforded me experiences that people dream of. A life that has exceeded everything I have ever wanted, desired or been interested in. Struggles that have turned to strengths. Movement that has slowed to stillness. Noise that has quieted to peace. Imprisonment that has resulted in liberation. Fear that has evolved to freedom.

And Morning shows that even National Geographic photographers couldn’t capture the radiance.

My life is full. With every sunrise and sunset, and all the space in between, my eyes and heart are wide open with the truest experience of awe and wonder. So, as I gaze out these windows, these 115 year old eyes that have been watching the growth of the Oaks and Alders, and Maples and Hemlocks and Poplars, I wonder, what do they see as they are watching me? They are my morning show. And I am theirs.

Just as the rising sun emerging.

I am ready. I am radiating. I am fire ignited.

Just as the wise old trees outside of my windows.

I am grounding. Rooting down. Rising up.

I will continue to recognize what has been given.

I will continue to ask, “what do I have to give back?”

I will continue to give it.

And, regardless of where I am on this miraculous planet, be it the coral reefs in the Gulf of Mexico, the vortexes of Sedona or rain soaked land of the PNW, I will wake each day with the truest sense of awe and wonder, wide eyed and open hearted, and ready,

For the morning show.

Sunrise at Travertine Hot Springs with my Beloved

Today is the first day...

... of the rest of our lives. Every. Single. Day. The adventure begins. again. and again. and again. This is one thing I have learned to be true through this lifetime of adventures. However, today feels a bit different. A bit bigger. A bit more significant. In just a few hours we board the plane, stepping into a nomadic life that I wasn't sure I desired. I'm still not certain that this is a way of living that will suit me, but I will certainly find out. Each day, along with our gratitudes Michael and I send out this prayer, "may our lessons be gentle". We know that we will encounter many lessons, that we be challenged, pushed, and be invited to grow. With anticipation and butterflies fluttering in our bellies we enter the unknown. And in this, we trust. We surrender. With our hearts open and our spirits tethered to Father Sky and Mother Earth we commit to allowing ourselves to unfold, to undo and to un-know the people that we were yesterday.  To shed self and connect to Self. To allow ourselves to become. To REmember who we are. 

This adventure will carry us to Bogota, Columbia for a few days followed by nearly 6 weeks in Peru where we will be completing our 300 hours Yoga Teacher Training then a Facilitator Intensive with The Kula Collective. Then we head to San Marcos, Guatemala to work with Keith, The Cacao Shaman followed by going on retreat at the Yoga Forest. The day after we arrive back in Tacoma fall programming with Pierce County Juvenile Court begins as well at the beginning of our nationwide cacao tour in our van home, "Nesha." Though she is not completely built out the progress is substantial and we feel confident that she will be ready to hold us when we hit the road late October! Please take a look at our "offerings" page to see where we will be and when. And share with others as we love meeting more beautiful people connected to you, our incredible community.

As we transition to the next part of this beautiful journey we want to acknowledge each of you. Thank you for being a part of our journey. It is your support, encouragement, teaching, guidance, enthusiasm, love and inspiration that had made this possible. You are light. You are love. We are forever grateful.

Super grateful for this amazing man who grounds me and continues to say, "yes!" over and over again. I couldn't ask for a better adventure partner! 

And to our dearest sister Katy Leet who captured this amazing photo!

#Vanlife

Welp. We are doing it. We recently got a van, are building it out and will soon be calling it home. We knew that we wanted to downsize, live simply, within our means and experience freedom from  all the "stuff", but we didn't know exactly what that would end up looking like. We are clear on our long term plan of being caretakers of land and creating sanctuary for people to experience rest, respite and restoration, and wanted to created space in our lives as that plan works itself out. So we began the process of letting go and allowing. Much was possible. Much IS possible. WWOOF, Work-away, simply traveling and allowing the winds to carry us. Van conversion has been a lively conversation since we met and this possibility continued to show up as we explored what we were being invited into. Our vehicles were not selling as easily as we hoped so we decided we would just go look at the van that we had scoped out a few weeks prior. The 2017 Ford Transit 250 Cargo Van was the one we knew we wanted if we ever did decide to step into #vanlife. Windows, extended length, high roof, completely gutted. And, as you see in the video, and read in the opening sentence of this post, we brought her home. 

We quickly noticed that every other person/cute couple who gets a van, converts it to a home and enters #vanlife has a blog and obsessively hashtags #vanlife we thought... we'd officially join the club. And since we are reading every website, Instagram feed and blog that shares the secret to being a digital nomad, (as a break from reading the heated debate about how to insulate your van) we figured, even if we don't get a single affiliate, sell memberships for information in our niche, or teach online yoga classes, at least a blog would serve as a digital journal. We do believe wholeheartedly in the power of storytelling. So this... this is part of our story. Please note, this is unedited. We will not worry about grammar, sweet drone shots, or looking like we know what we are doing... because we don't. Our goal is to be lifelong learners, students and humble recipients of the love and grace of spirit, the earth and our community. So forgive us for our hot-mess-ness, our fuck-ups and our failures and encourage us into our many bloopers and lessons. May they be gentle.

And can we say... HOLY SHIT. We have a YouTube Channel. That is wild! In order to upload a video it appeared we needed a channel. That may not be true and may not be a big deal for any other human in our generation but for Michelle, who can barely make a phone call on her technology, this feels like a big deal. ENJOY! We sure are!

Staying doesn't always have to hurt (revisited)

On February 4, 2016 I wrote the content below as my first post for a blog I was writing during my time working for Apple in China. At this exact moment 2 years ago I was battling with a brutal bout of influenza very, very far away from "home". Today, I sit at "home" in Tacoma, WA again with the flu (though much less brutal thanks to learning my lesson in China and not "toughing it out" this time) and wonder, what is it about the feeling of exhaustion, weakness, cloudiness and heaviness that comes with this illness that gives me a boost of courage, desire and commitment to write? What is it about the winter that helps me know with certainty that I am supposed to travel? That exploring, wandering, discovering is a significant part of who I am? What is it about this season that supports my discernment, that affords me the clarity to see that though I may explore, wander, discover... I choose to return? To root in? To come back... to the center. May this initial blog be a preface for what is to come. May it be an invitation to join me... to join us, on the next part of our journey. 

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Nearly a year ago an opportunity started to develop for me to go to China to support the expansion of an incredible organization. The possibility of heading to Asia for 2+ years to continue my work with the most incredible company in the world was exciting. Of course it was. THAT is what I do. That is what I have always done. Seek. Search. Since the age of 15, I have been moving. Moving towards a new opportunity to venture to a new place, meet new people, experience new culture and hopefully find myself. 

     Around the time that Chinese residency started to become a real possibility I was also going deeper into my spiritual practice and had completed an intensive study of Kali. My work with this fierce warrior goddess was leading me into the darkness of destruction. I was taking significant risks. For the first time in my life I was really setting boundaries and exploring what it meant to love and nurture myself. The destruction that Kali brought to my life was powerful. The risk created an intense fear of loss and the awareness of an unhealthy level of attachment. An attachment to a certain way of knowing myself. I had been identifying myself in relation to my family, my marriage, my community, and my body in a way that bound me to beliefs that were no longer serving me. So I let go. I let go of a certain knowing of myself. I shed the beliefs that were no longer serving me and opened myself up to receiving. I allowed myself to be gutted. I was empty. Empty in a beautiful, pure and raw kind of way. Empty in a way that allowed space for abundance to overflow and that is exactly what happened. I started to see all of the love and beauty that surrounded me. Healing began, with my family, my husband, my community, and my body. I discovered that I am worthy. I discovered that I am enough. And I discovered that I no longer have to seek, to search. That I have everything I need inside of me now. That I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

     Through this process I learned that the thought of staying was more terrifying than the thought of moving to China for 2+ years. If I stayed, what if I failed? What if I was abandoned? Rejected? Betrayed? What if I didn’t have the capacity to grow into my fullest potential? Moving to China would be easy. Be in one place for a short amount of time, do good work, have a positive impact, then leave and start over. and over. and over. That, afterall is what I had always been good at. Then I started to wonder, what would happen if I stayed? What possibilities existed? What may develop if I allow myself to be fully present, for the long haul? What if I commit to myself, to my family, my community, my friends and actually see what growth is possible when I create space for it to be sustained over a long period of time? Yes, it was more terrifying for me to stay. Thankfully, this fear did not have power over me. Instead, it led me to the realization that it is time for me to root down. To stop running. To stop hiding. I decided to allow myself to be seen. To grow myself, to grow my family, and to grow my community. I realized that “grasses go high and so have I”. It has become so very clear that, “where you stand is where you belong. THIS is the place I have been looking for all along.” 

      So, instead of moving to China, I am visiting China for three months then, I am going home. I will deeply love, nurture and witness my family. I will continue to deepen the work that I am doing within my community. I will allow my roots to grow. I will raise dirty babies and goats. I will continue to experience the most true and unconditional love with my soul sisters. I will show up for others and allow others to show up for me. I will allow myself to see others. I will allow myself to be seen. I now know that, “staying doesn’t always have to hurt.”