With humility, caution, and excitement I have decided that it is time to share that I have been offered (and accepted) the invitation/call/challenge to work to earn a Ph.D! In asking myself the above mentioned question, it never felt that the obvious answer was to earn a doctorate! However, it feels aligned with my truth. It feels aligned with my being. It feels aligned with my path. So…. here goes!
"Recognition becomes the process by which I become other than what I was and, therefore, also, the process by which I cease to be able to return to what I was. There is, then, a constitutive loss in the process of recognition, a transformation that does not bring all that once was forward with it, one that forecloses upon the past in an irreversible way...The only way to know myself is precisely through the mediation that takes place outside of me, exterior to me, in a convention or a norm that I did not make, in which I cannot discern myself as author or an agent in its making” (Butler, 2001, p. 23).
A powerful journey with trauma and triumph, darkness and light, contraction and expansion, grief and joy, and tears and laughter, has guided me into silence and uproar, stillness and movement, hiding and exposure, denial and acceptance and from invisibility to recognizability. As I have ventured from the conscious to the unconscious my identity has been questioned, not only by those around me but also by my self. I have spent countless hours contemplating the teachings of Judith Butler and the impact that her theory has and may have on the psyche. She explains that, "the Other is recognized and confers recognition through a set of norms that govern recognizability” (2001, p. 22). As we consider the relationship between other and self we see that "I" does not exist without you. Ones identity is, without exemption, informed by others identification. The process of recognition is transformative because there is a new way of knowing self when others have a new way of recognizing you. This recognition is informed by the boundaries of normative discourses.
Over the past five years I have undergone a profound transformation and have moved from knowing myself one way, to knowing myself in a new way. As Butler asserts, I have lost something, a part of myself that I cannot return to. However, in shedding parts of myself that are no longer serving me and taking on a new identity, much has been gained. Through divorce, international relocation, coming out to my conservative Rural Appalachian family and transitioning from a role in corporate leadership to the role of “healer,” (an identity whose label I have much resistance to), it has become abundantly clear that the foundational part of my existence is to allow myself to fully be seen while holding space for others to be seen. To navigate the uncharted waters of my identity and live in radical honesty and radical vulnerability. It is the wholehearted commitment to walking with my Self and my fellow travelers on my/their healing journeys that has led me to apply to earn a Ph.D. Depth Psychology with a focus on Integrative Therapy and Healing Practices.
In connecting with synchronicities, archetypes, the oracle, the shadow-self, the dream world as well as familial, ancestral, educational, religious and cultural impressions, I have accessed the unconscious, from which, comes a deep, conscious knowing. I have personally discovered and supported others as they discover, the truth that, when we quiet the loud voices of the dominating consumeristic, capitalist, patriarchy we can hear the quiet voices and recognize that the psyche is speaking to us. In allowing the spirit/soul/Self to speak I have been led to therapeutic and healing practices such as body & energy work, sound healing, ancient and indigenous earth based medicine/wisdom, and sensory deprivation. After years of study and the continued deepening of my own practice I have been afforded the opportunity to support others in experiencing profundity in holistic healing.
Though I have countless pieces of anecdotal evidence to support the argument that the above mentioned practices are incredibly beneficial, I have a deep desire to continue research that will prove the efficacy of these healing practices and elevate their visibility and utilization within the western world and modern medical practices. At this time in the evolution of humanity, the planet, and the universe, this work is critical, because the “alternative” approach not only has a positive impact on the human psyche, it also impacts entire communities, the globe and the collective.
Though I did not (or perhaps because I did not) make the convention and norms of the dominate discourse of medicine and healing, I feel empowered to be a part of asserting my agency to support individual, community and collective transformation that values and prioritizes embodied ways of healing and knowing. This drive will enable me to be a part of transitioning away from a model that views mind, body, and spirit, as a bundle of disparate parts. It will help me follow in the footsteps of so many brilliant minds in the co-creation of a model(s) that recognizes and honors (inter)connectedness, interdependence and wholeness. Completing this program will allow me to live my dharma and settle into an identity that feels most authentic and integrious while simultaneously playing my part in normalizing the above mentioned therapeutic/healing practices so that they become recognizable, valued and elevated within (or perhaps even above) the current hegemonic discourse of Psychology.
Why Pacifica?
"The key to dismantling such a system [educational institutions] is to develop alternative models of knowledge production that challenges the interconnected dualisms and hierarchies (mind/body, male/female, white/other), and that recognize the body's capacity to know. The body is not just another thing or object to be controlled and studied" (Wilcox, 2009, p. 106).
For years I have navigated my desire to deepen my study and expand my research by pursuing a PhD while feeling a repulsion towards the academic industrial complex. Though I had a profound and positive experience at the University of Washington while completing my Masters in Cultural Studies, I witnessed problematic navel-gazing and obsessive attempts to prove superior intelligence and wokeness.
Hiu Wilcox, skillfully articulates the tension I feel and have felt around my continued experience within academia. We share the belief that an epistemological shift must occur so that students are supported and encouraged to prioritize and honor their lived experiences which inform the knowledge that is produced.
Wilcox recognizes that, "it is in and through our bodies that we experience the world and develop consciousness" (2009, p.106). She challenges dominant patriarchal and Eurocentric structures and knowledge production that do not acknowledge and prioritize embodied ways of knowing. She asserts that the academy must be challenged for privileging knowledge that is produced from the mind over knowledge that is produced from the body. My trepidation exists because hierarchal structures of power are maintained by educators, (even those who identify as feminist) through pedagogical approaches that result in a disconnect between mind and body. I confront the reality that if faculty do not prioritize embodied knowledge, the academy, like society will continue to damage peoples relationships to their bodies.
It is clear to me that Pacifica Graduate Institute is a place within academia that will ensure that I, as well as my fellow students, decolonize Psychology and prioritize embodied knowledge. I trust that this institution will provide space to actively work to end bodily violence and instead, heal our relationships with our bodies, heal our communities and the collective. I am confident that I/we will be supported and encouraged to prioritize and honor our lived experiences as well as the mind/body/spirit connection. I trust that I/we will have access to the tools, resources and faculty that will not only help deepen and expand our knowledge but more importantly provide a container to integrate and implement that knowledge, and transmute it into wisdom. I have longed for an academic experience within an institution and with faculty that recognize the body’s capacity to know and now, in finding Pacifica, that longing has been fulfilled.
In closing I must acknowledge and express deep gratitude for the work, teachings and inspiration of Helene Cixous, Gay Becker, Dwight Conquergood, Hiu Wilcox, Luce Irigaray, Judith Butler, Audre Lorde, Conkolene Michael Gray, Kari Lerum, Dan Berger, Christine Caldwell, Hala Khouri, Nischala Joy Devi, Gabor Mate, CJ Ananda Page and Izaias S. Mendoza, along with the numerous other indigenous wisdom keepers around the world that I have had the privilege and honor to learn from and/or work with. This is by no means an exhaustive list but highlights those whose shoulders I stand on and for whom without, this journey would be impossible.
Butler, J. (2001) Giving an account of oneself. Project Muse, 31(4): 22-40
Wilcox, H. (2009). Embodied ways of knowing, pedagogies, and social justice: Inclusive science and
beyond. National Women’s Studies Association Journal, 21(2): 104-120.